patience...

With the events of the last few days unfolding so quickly before my eyes, it's hard to believe that all I seek now is patience. My child slipped away...a baby I waited patiently for, who was gone before I could even see it's beating heart.

I had to write simply because I am filling up inside with emotion that makes no sense to me. One moment calm and understanding. The next, I'm filled with anxiety and anger. And the very next, sadness and loss.

I'm having to wait patiently for something I would never have asked for - for my baby to leave my body. It's a cruel but necessary step in my healing. After a surgical procedure yesterday, my doctor, with the help of others, attempted unsuccessfully to "extract" my baby from my body. Something she was very confused by.

And now I'm here waiting...

I can't begin to explain the frustration that goes along with hoping your dead baby would just leave your body. Although the support and prayers and outpouring of love I've received from friends, family and complete strangers has helped tremendously in this grieving process, I find myself at a standstill. My emotional healing is being postponed by my physical body and I have no control over that.

God is trying to teach me things about Himself and His perfect plan....and I'm trying to learn them. I know them to be true. It's hard to see those things through this darkness. And if I didn't share with you my frustration, these would not be honest words.

So, you know what to pray for tonight. And I'm grateful for prayer warriors that kneel for me when I need it the most.