Monday, June 21, 2010


I have made it to the halfway mark. My baby tracker emails have welcomed me to the second half of my pregnancy. Everyday, my first stretch after I wake up, (or the nagging urge to use the bathroom) reminds me of the little miracle who has taken residence in my belly. My first few steps out of bed are filled with an awe-filled appreciation - and sometimes disbelief - that I've made it another day.

It has only been recently that I have honestly allowed myself to feel connected to the baby girl inside of me. Even though I can't feel her yet, I am able to allow myself to think about mornings in the near future when the reminders of my blessing come in the form of sweet little cries from a crib down the hall. I have bought baby clothes for the first time for my own child. And even though I can't yet bring myself to take the tags off and throw away the receipts, I can safely find myself imagining a diapered butt in each of the ruffled, pink onesies.

I'm getting there.

Even to call her by name has caused my heart to skip a beat time and again simply because of the disbelief that I'm finally here.

I'm finally to the point of anticipation.

I am well aware that God may have other plans for me that may never allow me to hold this little girl. But these days, those thoughts are joined with the idea that God very well may have plans for me to not only hold this little girl, but watch her take her first steps, and to watch her graduate from high school, and to even get married and have kids of her own.

As Matt and I drove away from our ultrasound last week, having just seen a perfectly growing little girl, kicking and yawning, he said to me, "I still feel like something has to go wrong. I feel like after all we've been through this year, I can't believe our doctor uses words like, 'perfect' to describe her."

Our feelings are not full of doubt and pessimism, but rather a holy fear of an all-powerful God who keeps this child's heart beating yet can stop it in an instant - today or in the next 90+ years of her life.

Lord willing, we will welcome a baby girl into our family mid-November. We pray that we be able to hold her and kiss her face on that day...and for many days after that.

Thankful for that anticipation.