Thursday, April 23, 2009

gift from mom

Awhile back my mom asked me if I was going to do anything to remember the baby - a sort of symbol of God's grace and provision. Yesterday, she gave me that gift. I already wear a silver disk with my initials and anniversary date on it and mom's gift is a perfect addition to the other significant day in my life...

Monday, April 13, 2009


Even at the highest points, standing on my tip-toes to see the Light of Glory on the horizon, I still feel the cold and emptiness of this darkness. It creeps in so quickly and stings my heart, triggering the tears. I can rarely stop it.

When I feel like I'm being restored in one part of my heart, I feel another part of me crumble. I found these lyrics online tonight that remind to there is more to my story. There is a glorious hope existing at this moment ready to be found...I hope everyone can see it...

Life breaks and falls apart, But we know these are
where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled
, They may be unrestored

But when anything that’s shattered

Is laid before the Lord

Just watch and see

It will not be


- Selah

Friday, April 10, 2009

To look on Him and pardon me...

It was the first thing I thought of this morning. Christ died. Someone's Son died. We gasp at those words today from the horror of such difficult loss for earthly families. And I think Good Friday passes most people by without them stopping to ponder that event. It's just another day off of work, right? I feel like I'm being pushed back to the very basics of the gospel this year. Christ died. And on top of it all, He was God's only Son. And He died for me. I'll remember this Good Friday with a different perspective...

Three weeks ago, my child died. This baby was my only child. My first. And although my baby didn't die for someone else, and his death won't mean eternal life for someone else, the loss of Good Friday weighs deeper on my heart than most others before. My baby was unborn, having never heard a heartbeat, or laid eyes on it's growing arms and legs. I don't even know if it was a boy or a girl. Christ, God's son, had a beating heart, and He grew for 33 years! I'm sure God looked at the life of Jesus and was so proud of his Son.

And He sent Him to die. I think I've always just looked at Good Friday and Easter Sunday as the great sacrifice that this man, Jesus Christ, made for all humanity....all sinful humanity. But today I am also reflecting on the Sovereign Father who allowed His Son to die for me.

God experienced loss that day...but with the hope and knowledge that He had a greater plan for His Son's life and death...and resurrection. I am understanding and seeing that hope of the loss of my child. I know that there is a bigger purpose in his death...

I don't pretend to equate my loss with the loss that God experienced on that Good Friday. But I understand it in a new way today. Today I'm reminded that the act of unconditional love and sacrifice made on that cross so long ago brings redemption to any sin and any loss. Because of that sacrifice, my sweet child is in Heaven. And because of that sacrifice, I will rise to Heaven to meet the baby I never held.

And I will never deserve that...

Monday, April 6, 2009


...Save us Lord!

My pastor
shared with us from Daniel yesterday in our Palm Sunday Worship service. And (oh my) what perspective I have gained! I was so blessed to hear these stories again, that I've heard many times before, with a new set of ears. Curtis spoke of the fiery furnaces and pits of lions we find ourselves in throughout our lives that we call on God to save us from. And this is the phrase that is soaking into my heart today...

"We are not always rescued from the difficulties in life, but are rescued in the difficult times."

Prior to March 24th, I would never have asked to be taken through the darkness and pain that I faced. My stubborn spirit and human frailty would never allow me to willingly raise my hand and volunteer for a fiery furnace or a pit of lions...or a miscarriage. But I found myself in my own pit - and desperately seeking God in the situation to save me.

And He did.

Even though this wasn't my choice, I can say confidently that I'm thankful for that pit. I'm thankful that this struggle and loss allowed me to feel the grip of a merciful and sovereign God guiding me in His holy direction. What a blessing. I am being saved in this struggle. I do still long for my baby. And I long for a pregnant belly to show proudly. And, in spite of my new perspective, I still find myself questioning and yearning for answers. But I know I am not pregnant right now for countless righteous reasons. And I can finally say that I wouldn't want it any other way.

Palm Sunday represents the start of the most significant week in history. I learned yesterday that the word Hosanna means "save us now".

"...And the multitudes that went before him,
and that followed, cried, saying,
Hosanna to the son of David: Blessed is he that cometh in
the name of the Lord; Hosanna in the highest.
Matt. 21:9

I have no palms to wave but I do have this prayer on my lips...Hosanna! Save us Lord!

And He has.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

...every morning.

I don't remember who texted the phrase to me last night "his mercies are new every morning" but I remember I felt encouraged to lay my confused head on my pillow knowing there was promise for this morning.

But it hurts this morning.

The mornings are the hardest for me. I work from home...alone. My house feels empty. Still and quiet. And every morning I am consumed by a heart burdened for answers and comfort. The visitors, the emails, the facebook messages, the blog comments and the texts have lessened since last week. And I'm faced with the reality that life goes on...even when my emotions are standing still.

This morning I muted the television, closed my email and listened to God...and learned a lot about the Holy Spirit. I found that I run to people, to articles, to songs to ease my pain. Although those are all God-given gifts used by the Spirit, I think they often blind me to the always present Spirit when all of those things are absent.

I realized as I'm preparing for my day that I often become weighed down by the thoughts of what I might face and how different today looks because I am no longer pregnant and expecting a child in October. I see so often the devil peering into my mind and using those fears and anxiety to shift my focus from truth to doubt.

And this is truth: God has gone before me in this day to prepare my heart for what each moment will bring. He's using the silence to whisper to me His promises of grace for each moment. He knows what I have to face today and has prepared reminders for me of his never ending love for me. Even when I doubt it every morning and start my day with frustration and sadness, He gives me mercy - sparing me from the separation I do deserve - and walks with me through my day.

It is a choice to listen to God and answer His call to be still and to run to Him alone for Truth. And I don't always choose it simply because it's easier to believe the lies and let my thoughts consume me of hopelessness and sadness.

Today, however, I choose to listen. The mornings I dread are turning to mornings of sweet conversation with my Lord. These are the words I'm meditating on this morning...

"In the quiet, in the stillness, I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence, I know there I am restored

When You call I won’t refuse, Each new day again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion, I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness, You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won’t delay. This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore"

None But Jesus, by Hillsong