Wednesday, April 14, 2010

See my heart?

To try and give you a glimpse inside my mind over the last month or so (or the last year, for that matter) would only leave me short of describing the emotional roller coaster and mental battle I've had going on within me. Even though I've been told I wear my heart on my sleeve, (and tears and snot on some days) trying to explain my heart will prove to be impossible - mostly because I can't often pinpoint how I feel at most given moments. But I'll try...

Today, I walked out of the doctors office from my "nurses appointment" for the third time this year. I felt tired after listening to all the things I can and cannot do during pregnancy. My nurse was sweet. What is typically an hour long info session where the new mommy-to-be (me) gets to ask any question desired to the nurse (which was me, twice before this time), turned out to be a heart-to-heart with a woman who has watched me walk through one of the hardest years of my life. She has seen me enter a room with anticipation of a beating heart, only to walk out in tears, heartbroken from the lack of life inside me...twice. She has fielded hundreds (hundreds!) of phone calls from me, scheduling appointments, follow-up appointments, offering test results, and two tearful pre-op phone interviews, and she has offered her congratulations and her condolences.

"I was so happy to see your name on my list today, Katie. I can't wait for next week when we get to see your baby on screen again," she said as we walked out of the room.

I walked out her door and headed back down the long hall to my car, fighting back the tears from the love I just felt from a seemingly total stranger. As I was walking, with my bag of books and pamphlets and samples in hand, I saw another door that I've frequented this year - the door to the Surgi-Center where I had both of my post-miscarriage procedures done. I nearly lost my breath as I remembered the last time I walked in those doors, swollen, red eyes, exhausted from my sleepless night before. What finality those doors signified.

And I wondered if I would have to walk through them again soon...

I looked ahead, and kept walking. I felt such tremendous peace and knew I wanted to write about that moment. Why? Why do I share my heart so willingly, exposing my raw pain in detail?

Here's why...

One. I need to keep reminding myself. At some point in my painful journey, I've understood the truth of Christ and really believed in that hope. And at other times, I fail to understand truth, and avoid seeking Christ for help. So I write it down for me. When I'm doubting that truth, I can go back and read what I have known to be true at one point and remind myself that there is Someone else in this with me who can confidently take one foot and put it in front of the other because He's marked that path.

Two. So you (my three or four loyal readers) can see who is guiding my journey. If I wrote this story myself, I'd probably have spoiled the ending already. Thankfully, I'm not the author of my life. I see a new chapter unfold daily and because its such a mystery to me, I KNOW it must be from God. And I want you to see Him.

Three. Because I don't want to miss it. I heard this phrase used this year by a father who had just lost his son. His faith was so solid that he KNEW that something that made so little sense to him had to have a holy purpose, and he didn't want to miss seeing that purpose. And I don't want to miss it either. When I'm buried in diapers and dreadfully tired (Lord willing), I don't want to forget what it felt like to walk past those doors today. I don't want to forget what it feels like to be on my knees in thanksgiving because of a beating heart.

Four. For my babies. Maybe one day, they can read their mom's words and will know the extent of my love for them, and how it pales in comparison to their Heavenly Father's love for them.



9 comments:

danielle said...

love your four points. the third resonates with my struggle/excitement/commitment to live in the present, embracing and not rushing through every season no matter how hard or easy or joyful or painful. and knowing that He is using each season to mold me.

The Hulocks said...

Beautiful post Katie. My heart is over joyed for you and this new babe in your womb and my heart aches at the same time for the two that have moved on to heaven. I agree that there is a holy purpose for things, even if we never get to know exactly what it is for. I will continue to remember you and the little baby in prayer. I am excited for your new journey and I am praying for life for this baby. Keep pressing on! The Lord is proud of you!

Dulcimer said...

Thank you for having the faith and courage to share your heart, Katie. God is working through you. I know because He's worked in me through reading this. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Katie~ I read this sitting here holding a precious gift God has given me. After 10 long painfully agonizing years of failed attempt after attempt I can finally say that God has granted me the desire of my heart. I always struggled with why the God who created me and created the desire in my heart to have children would not allow me to have a child. I can now look back on all the "whys" all the tears all the anger all the prayers and all the hope and say that I have been truly blessed. The journey that God led Michael and I on was definately a difficult one. But I can honestly say that today I am so thankful for that journey. It made me realize things about God, my marriage, and me that I did not know. As a very independent strong woman it made me realize that I need to rely on God. On those days that it was almost impossible to face the world and all my friends who have children and who were having children and it hurt so bad to even breathe, God carried me. There is an old song by Amy Grant that is called "The Warrior is a Child" My mom has always said that this song reminds her of me.

"they don't know that I go running home when I fall down...they don't know who picks me up when no one is around....I drop my sword and cry for just a while....because deep inside this armour....the warrios is a child"

I love you Katie. I don't know what it feels like exactly to be on the journey that you and Matt are on. But I do know the pain of longing to have a child....the pain of not being able to join in the joy and fellowship of your friends who are having children around you. The pain of having to pretend to everyone that you are ok just so they will leave you alone. I am so happy for you and Matt and I am praying that as God daily sustains this pregnancy that He will continue to give you peace. I pray that he will replace your fears with joy. That you will be able to take a deep breath and enjoy this pregnancy and know that He has granted you the desire of your heart as well.

manda

Kelly said...

Ok, after you are done raising a half dozen babies, you need to be a writer! You are so gifted in communicating your heart and truth! I know God is going (and IS) to use you in a mighty way. Thank you for sharing this! I am praying daily for you friend!

Anonymous said...

Katie, this is the first time I read your blog and I'm not sure what led me to it. You write beautifully :) I appreciate you honesty and openness about the trials God has given you. You encourage me to meditate more fully on the trials that God has brought me to, and through, in my life. To remember the truths I have learned about my Saviour, and perhaps write them down for myself that I might have something to look back on when I am lost or doubting. I'm praying for you and your beautiful gift from God, remember that (as one of my favorite songs phrases it): "You [and your child] will be safe in His arms." Love you!

-Kerry Cheadle :)

Campbell Family of 5 said...

I just checked on your blog after a while and am so happy to hear your news. I understand the agony and stress it brings. Your words are just so honest and beautiful, the Lord certainly is speaking through you. I am praying for you and that little heartbeat.

Life with Kaishon said...

Wow. This is so beautiful! I love that you made such an impression on that nurse. I am glad she cared. I so desperately think the world needs more caring and loving people! What a blessing!

I have prayed for you thru your losses. Even though I do not know you, I do know your sister. I am so sad for the hurt and pain you have had. And I am SO excited that you are having a baby and God is walking beside you holding your heart. We do serve a great king.

Also wanted to tell you that I ADORE the pictures you took of Carrie's little Leah. I think she is PRECIOUS and I think you take amazing pictures. I can hardly wait to see the pictures of your own babies soon!

I think God has great things in store for you! Much love, a total stranger, Becky : )

Rae said...

This was such an amazing post. I barely know you, but I was in tears reading this. I can ONLY imagine the feelings that those doors could induce in you, and for that, it makes me thankful... for the gift I have sleeping in the room next-to me now and for the gift you have in your heart and growing inside you. You are blessed, Katie.