kumquats and healing

When I was pregnant, I signed up to receive weekly email updates informing me of the new developments of my growing baby. It was a way to encourage me through another week of the overwhelming nausea I experienced up until last week. Yesterday, I received my 10 week update...

I took a deep breath, read that my baby would be the size of a kumquat and was growing fingernails. Then I promptly unsubscribed from the emails.

I knew that experiences like this will be a common part of my journey in the next weeks and months to come. There are pregnancy remnants throughout my house - ginger drops and anti-nausea medicine on my dresser, a "week by week" journal to give accounts of my pregnancy, half-finished pregnancy announcements ready to be sent to friends and family, a room emptied of the office furniture ready to be prepped for a shade of pink or blue, and a baby puzzle purchased during our vacation in Mexico just a week after we learned of our growing baby.

When my emotions were so raw last week, and although still tender now, I didn't accept seeing these reminders with grace and peace. I thought of these remnants as cruel reminders of the gift that was taken from me.

It's my goal to begin to soak up these moments as sweet reminders of God's promise for my good. A promise of another child. A promise of healing. A promise my little kumquat is living in heaven for His glory.

singing praise with a lump in my throat...

I am thankful for God's mercy when His children resist and struggle so much to the point of doubt and despair. I know I felt that despair last night with unanswered questions and a pain and hollowness that seemed to take over my body. I can just picture God watching me struggle and weep and I do believe he wept with me. He knew, however, that His promise would reveal itself to me today and that I needed to lean into that pain just a little bit longer in order to feel the heights He's prepared to lift my spirit in the days to come.

I was seeking truth and encouragement this morning and came across a passage written by Paul that I had read before. With my new life experiences from the last week, I read the words "life" and "death" with a new filter in my view. I could copy this whole passage for you to read but I trust you'll go and mediate on them yourself. I wanted to share the words that made me breath deep the glory given to Christ with the passing of our sweet child.

"Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death." (Phil. 1:18b-20)

Paul sat locked in a prison, suffering for Christ's sake and after he had been beaten and flogged, he did what? He sang hymns and prayed. He praised the Lord! If I close my eyes and imagine hearing Paul singing, I don't assume his voice bellowed and rang throughout all the walls with a commanding noise. He was weak and beaten and I can imagine his voice was shaky and quiet.

I still have a hard time speaking about the last few days without crying. My voice shakes when I have to say the words "I lost my baby" to the uninformed nurse on the phone calling to schedule my next ultrasound. Even when I feel joyful and encouraged, my voice is weak. My friend shared these words with me encouraged me to praise Him...even with a lump in my throat.

"When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah"

patience...

With the events of the last few days unfolding so quickly before my eyes, it's hard to believe that all I seek now is patience. My child slipped away...a baby I waited patiently for, who was gone before I could even see it's beating heart.

I had to write simply because I am filling up inside with emotion that makes no sense to me. One moment calm and understanding. The next, I'm filled with anxiety and anger. And the very next, sadness and loss.

I'm having to wait patiently for something I would never have asked for - for my baby to leave my body. It's a cruel but necessary step in my healing. After a surgical procedure yesterday, my doctor, with the help of others, attempted unsuccessfully to "extract" my baby from my body. Something she was very confused by.

And now I'm here waiting...

I can't begin to explain the frustration that goes along with hoping your dead baby would just leave your body. Although the support and prayers and outpouring of love I've received from friends, family and complete strangers has helped tremendously in this grieving process, I find myself at a standstill. My emotional healing is being postponed by my physical body and I have no control over that.

God is trying to teach me things about Himself and His perfect plan....and I'm trying to learn them. I know them to be true. It's hard to see those things through this darkness. And if I didn't share with you my frustration, these would not be honest words.

So, you know what to pray for tonight. And I'm grateful for prayer warriors that kneel for me when I need it the most.

Heaven is all you'll ever know...

Today is just surreal. Slept very little last night. I think as the pain and loss intensifies, I cannot fathom how many families have dealt with this...maybe even more than once. I remembered a song I heard many years ago while I was lying awake last night and when I played it this morning, I was so overwhelmed by promise after promise in every word of this song.

Tears flow freely in this house today. The loss is revealing things about this child's life without me, it's mother, that can't compare to the life that child has in heaven at this moment.

Nothing is more comforting. Miss you everyday.

"I can't imagine heaven's lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know...all you'll ever know..."

Glory Baby - Watermark

Future Glory...

The previous post has been deleted simply because there is a new plan on the horizon. A different sort of pregnancy test...

The baby I was growing for the last 9 weeks was adopted into the Kingdom of Heaven sooner than our feeble minds could conceive. As I think about the vacant womb I saw on the ultrasound monitor, I also think about that new life with our Father in Heaven. God blessed us with a baby, and has swiftly taken that life to be with Him until He can hand our child to us when we meet in heaven. A sweet moment to anticipate...

I am so encouraged by the passage in Romans 8 and the truth that every word brings to my heart. I will share it with you now so that those reading and watching us walk through this struggle...or those of you who may be dealing with the same pain...can understand my heart.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God...In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

I hope you, along with Matt and I, learn the mind of the Spirit and plan of my Heavenly Father through this struggle. Although this is not the news I wish to be sharing with all of you, but I know this news is the BEST news since it is the will of God for my family.

Thank you for your prayers.

Katie & Matt