Monday, March 30, 2009

kumquats and healing

When I was pregnant, I signed up to receive weekly email updates informing me of the new developments of my growing baby. It was a way to encourage me through another week of the overwhelming nausea I experienced up until last week. Yesterday, I received my 10 week update...

I took a deep breath, read that my baby would be the size of a kumquat and was growing fingernails. Then I promptly unsubscribed from the emails.

I knew that experiences like this will be a common part of my journey in the next weeks and months to come. There are pregnancy remnants throughout my house - ginger drops and anti-nausea medicine on my dresser, a "week by week" journal to give accounts of my pregnancy, half-finished pregnancy announcements ready to be sent to friends and family, a room emptied of the office furniture ready to be prepped for a shade of pink or blue, and a baby puzzle purchased during our vacation in Mexico just a week after we learned of our growing baby.

When my emotions were so raw last week, and although still tender now, I didn't accept seeing these reminders with grace and peace. I thought of these remnants as cruel reminders of the gift that was taken from me.

It's my goal to begin to soak up these moments as sweet reminders of God's promise for my good. A promise of another child. A promise of healing. A promise my little kumquat is living in heaven for His glory.


Kelly said...


I heard of your recent loss and am so saddened for you. I know how much you desire to be a mommy and I am certain you will be very soon:) I don't know why God chooses for some women to experience this and others not. But I know God will use you and already has through your writings, to encourage others...whatever their difficult time may be. Please know God loves you so much and has an ultimate plan that will bring Glory to Him. I love you and the testimony you are being right now.

Life with Kaishon said...

I knew your sister in college. I just read about your traumatic time on her blog and I came over to say that I will keep you in my prayers over these next few weeks. I love that you are rejoicing in God during this time of sorrow. What a blessing.

Life with Kaishon said...

PS I didn't know what a kumquat was. Now I learned something new today : ).