I am thankful for God's mercy when His children resist and struggle so much to the point of doubt and despair. I know I felt that despair last night with unanswered questions and a pain and hollowness that seemed to take over my body. I can just picture God watching me struggle and weep and I do believe he wept with me. He knew, however, that His promise would reveal itself to me today and that I needed to lean into that pain just a little bit longer in order to feel the heights He's prepared to lift my spirit in the days to come.
I was seeking truth and encouragement this morning and came across a passage written by Paul that I had read before. With my new life experiences from the last week, I read the words "life" and "death" with a new filter in my view. I could copy this whole passage for you to read but I trust you'll go and mediate on them yourself. I wanted to share the words that made me breath deep the glory given to Christ with the passing of our sweet child.
"Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death." (Phil. 1:18b-20)
Paul sat locked in a prison, suffering for Christ's sake and after he had been beaten and flogged, he did what? He sang hymns and prayed. He praised the Lord! If I close my eyes and imagine hearing Paul singing, I don't assume his voice bellowed and rang throughout all the walls with a commanding noise. He was weak and beaten and I can imagine his voice was shaky and quiet.
I still have a hard time speaking about the last few days without crying. My voice shakes when I have to say the words "I lost my baby" to the uninformed nurse on the phone calling to schedule my next ultrasound. Even when I feel joyful and encouraged, my voice is weak. My friend shared these words with me encouraged me to praise Him...even with a lump in my throat.
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah"