Friday, March 27, 2009

singing praise with a lump in my throat...

I am thankful for God's mercy when His children resist and struggle so much to the point of doubt and despair. I know I felt that despair last night with unanswered questions and a pain and hollowness that seemed to take over my body. I can just picture God watching me struggle and weep and I do believe he wept with me. He knew, however, that His promise would reveal itself to me today and that I needed to lean into that pain just a little bit longer in order to feel the heights He's prepared to lift my spirit in the days to come.

I was seeking truth and encouragement this morning and came across a passage written by Paul that I had read before. With my new life experiences from the last week, I read the words "life" and "death" with a new filter in my view. I could copy this whole passage for you to read but I trust you'll go and mediate on them yourself. I wanted to share the words that made me breath deep the glory given to Christ with the passing of our sweet child.

"Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death." (Phil. 1:18b-20)

Paul sat locked in a prison, suffering for Christ's sake and after he had been beaten and flogged, he did what? He sang hymns and prayed. He praised the Lord! If I close my eyes and imagine hearing Paul singing, I don't assume his voice bellowed and rang throughout all the walls with a commanding noise. He was weak and beaten and I can imagine his voice was shaky and quiet.

I still have a hard time speaking about the last few days without crying. My voice shakes when I have to say the words "I lost my baby" to the uninformed nurse on the phone calling to schedule my next ultrasound. Even when I feel joyful and encouraged, my voice is weak. My friend shared these words with me encouraged me to praise Him...even with a lump in my throat.

"When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah"

6 comments:

Katie said...

I am crying along side you and singing my broken halleluja all day for you :)

Katie Nelson-Rodgers

Mary Beth Maidment said...

Katie,
I am an old friend of your Mom's (& Dad's) from before BBC...

I have been following your situation from some of the sparse comments on fB...

Your blog today brings this song to mind... it was of much comfort to me when my son, Todd was going through his BMarrow Transplant in 07... and other critical times when I've had to stand by and watch my kids suffer though life experiences...

I'm sure you've heard the song... but sharing it to remind you...encourage you...

“Praise You In This Storm”

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Anonymous said...

K-was humming the words this morning and thinking about you :) It was neat to see them here when i came to tell you that even though I am not there to sit with you my heart is still heavy for you. I love you and we are praying for you. TTYSoon.

♥ H

Anonymous said...

K-was humming the words this morning and thinking about you :) It was neat to see them here when i came to tell you that even though I am not there to sit with you my heart is still heavy for you. I love you and we are praying for you. TTYSoon.

♥ H

Jayme said...

Katie, your broken hallelujah and deep words of faith are so precious sounding to this outsider. You are handling this heartbreak just as you should be, in His healing arms. Thank you for sharing. You will be in our prayers.

Amanda said...

Katie,

I don't know if you remember me, (Amanda Bruckner) but my sister, Jessi and I were babysat by the Friesner's down the street from you for years when we were little. You were younger than us, but we played with your older sibs alot back then. I just wanted to say thank you for your being willing to use your trial as an encouragement to others. I had lost a pregnancy some years back during a struggle with infertility. It was a difficult road, but a learning one as well. God is good, and since then brought us 2 children through adoption. They are both about 3 1/2 years old now. It is such a blessing to read how you are able to reach to God during this time. I know that God will be able to use this trial in your life to be a blessing to others and will bless you as well. You and your husband are in our prayers!