where would I be...

If I were still pregnant...

...I'd probably be proudly flaunting a growing bump.
...I would no doubt still be complaining about nausea and exhaustion.
...I would be eating guilt free over the holidays.
...I'd have picked paint colors for the nursery.
...Matt and I would have added a name to our family list.
...My fall "non-pregnant" clothes would be packed away, replaced by
elastic waistlines and long, loose-fitting shirts.
...I'd be registering at Baby's-R-Us for my upcoming showers.
...I'd test Matt's diaper-changing skills.
...I would take guilt-free naps.
...I'd (shamefully) be missing my Mt. Dew.
...I'd probably be acting pretty self-centered with the excuse, "blame
the hormones."
...I'd probably be annoying you (my three blog readers) with details of
every kick and wiggle in my belly.


Without Christ...

...I'd be on my way to hell and eternal suffering.
...I probably wouldn't be married to my best friend. Maybe
even divorced.
...my pain would be followed with more emptiness.
...I would live in guilt with no escape.
...I may be in jail.
...I could be dead.
...I would fail to forgive and probably lead a bitter life.
...I would probably be an alcoholic or drug addict.
...I wouldn't understand love.
...I would never embrace the gifts of grace and mercy.
...I would have no hope.

I'll take hope and salvation any day.

Thankful to be right here.

It's not my battle...

I started writing two posts this morning...mostly complaining and talking about my view of this situation as cruelty and how it all seems a little unfair. I never finished them because pushing "publish post" would only show my defeat and failure and would chalk up a victory for the devil. Then Matt, who I realize more and more each day is hurting just as much, shared this podcast with me by Perry Noble. He listened to it during his very teary run this morning...and I'm glad I listened, too.

I was hit hard at about the 25:00 minute mark...it's like it was addressed from God, "To Katie."

It's saturday. You have the time to listen. I needed, and I'm sure others do too. Even if life is good for you and pain is so distant, listen anyway.

Publish post. Victory chalked up to Christ.

To my baby,

I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

-Angie Smith

Therefore, I have hope...

On my way to my ultrasound this morning, my heart was heavy with the thought of my first lost baby. It was so overwhelming. Thinking back to March, remembering the pain of that loss. I was moved to tears knowing he's in heaven worshiping our sovereign God enjoying the only life he's known. And my heart was glad. I pictured him looking down on his mom, as I anticipated new pictures of the newest addition to our family.

What I didn't picture is my second baby, being welcomed by his older sibling to their heavenly home. Which is exactly what was happening.

Although the grip of my hands on the thought of this second baby was not tightly clenched, I found myself just wanting to reach and squeeze those thoughts the moments before I learned of my sweet baby, baby number two, joining his Heavenly Father for a glorious life.

I've done this all before...much too recently. Made the painful phonecalls, cancelled meetings, scheduled procedures and follow-up appointments...even posted to my blog. But these feelings are a bit different. Sad, grieving our loss. Confused, by the peace I had with this pregnancy and the ultimate results. Angry, for being so sick again for weeks, and to ultimately have no baby to make it all worth it. Disappointed, about the process that will take place in the coming months as we seek to know God's plan for growing a family. Defeated by how daunting this whole process is while entertaining the thought that it could very well happen again.

So I am clenching tightly to something else...securing my grip on something that has and always will have me in the center of Grace and perfect and unending Love.

I have to.

Coveting your prayers today.

"My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is;
so I say, "My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the LORD."...

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

"The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."

Lamentations 3:17-24

Good daddy...

Watching Matt with our nephew, Braden, confirmed once again what a great daddy he will be...

I like to kick the devils butt...

I have been feeling pretty bad that I've been neglecting my blog (again). It's not because my life is uneventful or I'm not learning anything, or that I'm too busy to keep my readers (the 3 of you) deprived of the life of Katie. But now is a good time to write...

I just boiled some water to make some soup and while I was waiting I opened my email. My water is still boiling (or maybe gone) because I just had to come and share. My sister Laura sent me this link to the same song I blogged about not too long ago. She was visiting me yesterday and we had some praise and worship in her car as we went about our day...mostly Hillsong worship. We talked about The Desert Song and how much I loved it. So when she saw this video, she sent it to me. Now that I've wiped away my tears and stopped by boo-hooing, I wanted to share it with you.

I especially love what Jill's friend said about her singing and glorifying God in the midst of her tragedy that "the devil lost what he was trying to do".



The devil is defeated with each shout or whisper of praise I offer to Heaven out of the pains of my circumstances. And the most encouraging thing is, when I can't sing my praise, when pain and doubt have gotten the best of me, even when the devil is still at work, trying to defeat my spirit, GOD IS STILL ON HIS THRONE.

I am going to go make my soup now, and sing praise while I do it!

OCNJ '09

This past week, Matt and I vacationed for a week in Ocean City NJ with his family. I was the (willing) designated photographer and I made this slideshow featuring some of the best photos and events of the week. Enjoy!

EDITED: Apparently you can't use a downloaded song in a video to post on facebook or youtube. I will try and post another video so that the sound will work soon.