Thursday, September 10, 2009

Therefore, I have hope...

On my way to my ultrasound this morning, my heart was heavy with the thought of my first lost baby. It was so overwhelming. Thinking back to March, remembering the pain of that loss. I was moved to tears knowing he's in heaven worshiping our sovereign God enjoying the only life he's known. And my heart was glad. I pictured him looking down on his mom, as I anticipated new pictures of the newest addition to our family.

What I didn't picture is my second baby, being welcomed by his older sibling to their heavenly home. Which is exactly what was happening.

Although the grip of my hands on the thought of this second baby was not tightly clenched, I found myself just wanting to reach and squeeze those thoughts the moments before I learned of my sweet baby, baby number two, joining his Heavenly Father for a glorious life.

I've done this all before...much too recently. Made the painful phonecalls, cancelled meetings, scheduled procedures and follow-up appointments...even posted to my blog. But these feelings are a bit different. Sad, grieving our loss. Confused, by the peace I had with this pregnancy and the ultimate results. Angry, for being so sick again for weeks, and to ultimately have no baby to make it all worth it. Disappointed, about the process that will take place in the coming months as we seek to know God's plan for growing a family. Defeated by how daunting this whole process is while entertaining the thought that it could very well happen again.

So I am clenching tightly to something else...securing my grip on something that has and always will have me in the center of Grace and perfect and unending Love.

I have to.

Coveting your prayers today.


"My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is;
so I say, "My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the LORD."...

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

"The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."

Lamentations 3:17-24

9 comments:

AnnieR said...

I am so sorry Katie. I will be praying for you and Matt. I can't imagine what you're going through. I heard the Desert Song on your blog in the midst of a difficult time I have been having and have been singing it over and over ever since. God is still God. He never changes. We have a reason to worship. We have a reason to sing. Praying you will be able to keep praising.

danielle said...

praying for you, friend.

Heather, Stan and the kids said...

in mansions of glory and endless delight i'll ever adore thee in heaven so bright... endless delight. those words have been on my mind/heart all morning and afternoon. idk why-i don't understand why... can't really wrap my mind around it. those are not the words i thought would line up to the sad txt you sent me this morning. but i thought i would just share that i think it is strange how when my earthly heart and mind want to question, cry and quite frankly yell...God puts thoughts like endless delight on my heart as i pray for you. i think it is just evidence that His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are higher than mine because like i said...i didn't go that direction (thanks to the trusty old sin nature.) but we love you and are encouraged that you are able to rest in the thoughts you wrote of today.

fabricatedends said...

You're in my prayers.

Pleasant Vonnoh said...

Katie, I am so, so sorry! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Anonymous said...

Katie

I am so so sorry, I am brought to tears at what your precious heart is having to endure. I am encouraged by your unending faith and trust in our God and will be lifting you and Matt in our prayers. I pray I could do something to encourage you, but will promise to be praying for you. all our love and prayers

Mandi & Joe

Shannon said...

Mark and I are praying for you...

Shelly said...

Katie,

My heart just aches for you right now as I have seen many of my friends experience your same loss of a baby and how devestating that must be! Your reminder of trusting God was a challenge to me as I do not always do so. I will continue showing you in my prayers. I have several friends that miscarried early on and were sick like you were. I'm sure you are seeking lots of advice, but I know what medically they needed to do. Feel free to contact me if you need to. I'm praying for you...bless your heart!

Campbell Family of 5 said...

Katie, I am sure you don't remember me from Messiah, I played lax with your SIL, Kayte. I accidentally came across your blog but then I recognized you and read your last post. I hope this is not too weird or intrusive but I just wanted to comment. As I read your words, my heart shot back to 3 years ago when I lived the same experiences. I know there is nothing anyone can say to make it better...but I just wanted to say that I know how incredibly hard it is...every single day. I am so very sorry and from this semi-stranger, I am praying for you and Matt. I am sure you have many people in your life who can comfort or even identify with you right now. I know we don't know each other at all. But, for what its worth, I wanted to throw my contact info to you, just in case. I know you are going through a lot, please DON'T feel the need to respond...but I wanted to reach out in case I could be of use. Otherwise, I will just be praying for you. I sobbed through your posts...it was all so familiar.

My email address is danacarlson82@yahoo.com