out of the mouths of babes....

I think God uses children to share emotions and encouragement that sometimes, we adults, could sure learn from. They are so honest and sincere and are blessed to not be burdened about "saying the right thing". I've been blessed by several kids in my life over the last 9 months that I thought I'd bless you (three) with. Some will make you smile (as they did for me) and some may make you cry (as they also did for me). Maybe it will help in how you encourage someone who is hurting.

"Miss Katie, I'm sorry your baby died." - Jenna G. (5yrs)

"Auntie Katie, you don't got a baby in 'der anymore?" (followed by a gentle touch on my belly and big hug) - Wyatt (3yrs)

Haylie (3yrs): "Why is Aunt Katie Lynn so sad?"
Mother-in-law: "Well, God took her baby to heaven."
Haylie: "Well, I'm gonna ask Him to give it back."

**Prior to the next conversation, I shared with Jenna that we really only had a few girls names picked out and we even talked about naming the baby after her (which made her smile).**
Jenna: "Mom, I know why Miss Katie's baby died"
Heather: "Why, Jenna?"
Jenna: "Because the baby was a boy, and Miss Katie really wanted her Jenna Claire. So God took it."

"Miss Katie, I'm sorry your baby died again." - Jenna G.

Wyatt: "Auntie Katie, you sad because your baby died?"
Me: "Yeah, bud."
Wyatt: "Where is your baby?"
Me: "In heaven with Jesus."
Wyatt: "We get you a new baby."
Me: "Oh yeah? how?"
Wyatt: "We get some tape, and a band-aid (pretending to put a band-aid on my belly) and we get you a new one."
Me: "Where will we get a new baby?"
Wyatt: "From Gramma's belly."

Jenna: "Miss Katie, I know why your baby died."
Me: "Why, Jenna?"
Jenna: "Because Jesus needed more babies up there with him in heaven."

"Auntie Katie, I get you another baby from the hospital." - Wyatt

What's in store?

As I was driving the other morning, I sat at a red light and watched as nearly a dozen brown UPS trucks turned onto the road in front me, no double filing out together having just been filled with the day's deliveries. The entourage in front of me made me smile as I imagined them all standing in a circle before boarding their door-less trucks preparing to make a lot of people's lives a little fuller on that morning. My light turned green and as I followed behind, I watched them, one by one, turn off onto various roads and neighborhoods. I kept thinking about the people these men in brown would encounter on that day - some expecting a delivery, and some surprised by what was inside each box or envelope. It also occurred to me some people may have gotten some bad news with those packages.

I wondered if the men and women delivering these packages ever contemplated the power they held in their hands to change the direction of someone's day or life.

Eleven days ago, I received a different kid of delivery. And although news that I would never get to hold my second baby on this earth wasn't something I initially embraced as a blessing, I do know that the pain I felt and am still dealing with at this minute will eventually come with many blessings. It occurred to me that on any given day, God could load up His UPS truck and ring my doorbell (or knock on my hearts door) and change my circumstances dramatically.

In these times of pain and darkness that I am in today, when understanding is thin and questions are abundant, I can't help but think of the blessings God has in store for me. I can picture Him ready to pour out blessings on His children, excited when that day comes and He says, "today is the day my child will see those blessings!!"

As the last truck was out of site, I took a deep breath and smiled knowing that there are blessings in store for me and that God is SO excited to reveal them in His time. And, I know it will be better than anything I could have ordered!

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed...But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."

- Romans 8:18-19, 24-25

where would I be...

If I were still pregnant...

...I'd probably be proudly flaunting a growing bump.
...I would no doubt still be complaining about nausea and exhaustion.
...I would be eating guilt free over the holidays.
...I'd have picked paint colors for the nursery.
...Matt and I would have added a name to our family list.
...My fall "non-pregnant" clothes would be packed away, replaced by
elastic waistlines and long, loose-fitting shirts.
...I'd be registering at Baby's-R-Us for my upcoming showers.
...I'd test Matt's diaper-changing skills.
...I would take guilt-free naps.
...I'd (shamefully) be missing my Mt. Dew.
...I'd probably be acting pretty self-centered with the excuse, "blame
the hormones."
...I'd probably be annoying you (my three blog readers) with details of
every kick and wiggle in my belly.


Without Christ...

...I'd be on my way to hell and eternal suffering.
...I probably wouldn't be married to my best friend. Maybe
even divorced.
...my pain would be followed with more emptiness.
...I would live in guilt with no escape.
...I may be in jail.
...I could be dead.
...I would fail to forgive and probably lead a bitter life.
...I would probably be an alcoholic or drug addict.
...I wouldn't understand love.
...I would never embrace the gifts of grace and mercy.
...I would have no hope.

I'll take hope and salvation any day.

Thankful to be right here.

It's not my battle...

I started writing two posts this morning...mostly complaining and talking about my view of this situation as cruelty and how it all seems a little unfair. I never finished them because pushing "publish post" would only show my defeat and failure and would chalk up a victory for the devil. Then Matt, who I realize more and more each day is hurting just as much, shared this podcast with me by Perry Noble. He listened to it during his very teary run this morning...and I'm glad I listened, too.

I was hit hard at about the 25:00 minute mark...it's like it was addressed from God, "To Katie."

It's saturday. You have the time to listen. I needed, and I'm sure others do too. Even if life is good for you and pain is so distant, listen anyway.

Publish post. Victory chalked up to Christ.

To my baby,

I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

-Angie Smith

Therefore, I have hope...

On my way to my ultrasound this morning, my heart was heavy with the thought of my first lost baby. It was so overwhelming. Thinking back to March, remembering the pain of that loss. I was moved to tears knowing he's in heaven worshiping our sovereign God enjoying the only life he's known. And my heart was glad. I pictured him looking down on his mom, as I anticipated new pictures of the newest addition to our family.

What I didn't picture is my second baby, being welcomed by his older sibling to their heavenly home. Which is exactly what was happening.

Although the grip of my hands on the thought of this second baby was not tightly clenched, I found myself just wanting to reach and squeeze those thoughts the moments before I learned of my sweet baby, baby number two, joining his Heavenly Father for a glorious life.

I've done this all before...much too recently. Made the painful phonecalls, cancelled meetings, scheduled procedures and follow-up appointments...even posted to my blog. But these feelings are a bit different. Sad, grieving our loss. Confused, by the peace I had with this pregnancy and the ultimate results. Angry, for being so sick again for weeks, and to ultimately have no baby to make it all worth it. Disappointed, about the process that will take place in the coming months as we seek to know God's plan for growing a family. Defeated by how daunting this whole process is while entertaining the thought that it could very well happen again.

So I am clenching tightly to something else...securing my grip on something that has and always will have me in the center of Grace and perfect and unending Love.

I have to.

Coveting your prayers today.

"My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is;
so I say, "My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the LORD."...

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

"The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."

Lamentations 3:17-24

Good daddy...

Watching Matt with our nephew, Braden, confirmed once again what a great daddy he will be...