Hope.

Oh, 2009.

I still can't believe the year we've had. Although the memories of 2009 still seem as vivid as if they happened yesterday, looking back on a year ago seems so far away. God has done amazing things in my life - things that made no sense to me at all - and He was sovereign through it all.

I could view this year with some stats and feel pretty hopeless; two failed pregnancies, months of unemployment, countless new babies being born all around me, numerous months of trying to get pregnant, and a broken furnace to top the year off (a pricey replacement). And although I could throw my hands up and say "Good riddance, 2009!" because of what it seemed to cost me, I think I'd rather view this year through a different lens....a lens of hope.

Two failed pregnancies can look like two little lives that have impacted so many others - that are worshipping at Jesus' feet at this very moment. That's hope.

Months of unemployment can look like a summer of counting my blessings and seeing ALL that I have...and all I don't deserve. That's hope.

All the new babies around me can look like lives that glorify God that will be raised to join His Kingdom. That's hope.

I'm still breathing. I have a home. My husband loves me. I am a child of God. Hope, hope, hope and hope.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
- Romans 8:18

Born to reign in us forever

Come, Thou long expected Jesus
Born to set Thy people free;
From our fears and sins release us,
Let us find our rest in Thee.
Israel's strength and consolation,
Hope of all the earth Thou art;
Dear desire of every nation,
Joy of every longing heart.

Born Thy people to deliver,
Born a child and yet a King,
Born to reign in us forever,
Now Thy gracious kingdom bring.
By Thine own eternal Spirit
Rule in all our hearts alone;
By Thine all sufficient merit,
Raise us to Thy glorious throne.

Dear Glory Baby,

My sweet child, I can't help but think about the moments I would be having on this day had God not taken you to heaven before I could even lay eyes on you. This date, your due date, will forever remind you of the heavenly life you're living, having been spared of the pain life on this earth can often bring. I am embracing, in new ways everyday, the blessing that it is to know that the same thing that brings me pain and sadness is giving you life with the Father that loves you more than I am capable of loving you...and that, my baby, is a lot.

For the last 9 months I've thought about holding you, rocking you, being the only person who can calm your cry. And now, on the day that was all supposed to happen, I can only think about the heavenly arms holding you today. And He will be everything you will ever need your whole life.

This date provides such a sweet reminder that God chose you, little one, to work in your mama's life, and in the lives of hundreds of other people who know of your conception. I am blessed to be the mother of a child whose life has held so much meaning and one of the most significant sources of hope for many people who have dealt with loss, who are walking through it now, and who will face it in the future. You, sweet baby, are a tool used by God and it required not even one breath breathed by you on this earth.

Now, as you worship in heaven with your younger sister, know that your mom and dad see the love of God in new and precious ways because of your life. I promise to think of you every year on this day and celebrate your life in heaven...indeed a small celebration compared to the party you are having in heaven daily. We will choose daily not to waste your life by giving in to sadness and despair, but instead, rejoicing in the promises of our Savior that it will not easy, but we will not do it alone.

God is good. And I know that more because of you, sweet child. Mom and dad love you just as we will love any of your siblings we may know on this earth.

Happy Birthday, Glory baby.

I love you,

Mom

out of the mouths of babes....

I think God uses children to share emotions and encouragement that sometimes, we adults, could sure learn from. They are so honest and sincere and are blessed to not be burdened about "saying the right thing". I've been blessed by several kids in my life over the last 9 months that I thought I'd bless you (three) with. Some will make you smile (as they did for me) and some may make you cry (as they also did for me). Maybe it will help in how you encourage someone who is hurting.

"Miss Katie, I'm sorry your baby died." - Jenna G. (5yrs)

"Auntie Katie, you don't got a baby in 'der anymore?" (followed by a gentle touch on my belly and big hug) - Wyatt (3yrs)

Haylie (3yrs): "Why is Aunt Katie Lynn so sad?"
Mother-in-law: "Well, God took her baby to heaven."
Haylie: "Well, I'm gonna ask Him to give it back."

**Prior to the next conversation, I shared with Jenna that we really only had a few girls names picked out and we even talked about naming the baby after her (which made her smile).**
Jenna: "Mom, I know why Miss Katie's baby died"
Heather: "Why, Jenna?"
Jenna: "Because the baby was a boy, and Miss Katie really wanted her Jenna Claire. So God took it."

"Miss Katie, I'm sorry your baby died again." - Jenna G.

Wyatt: "Auntie Katie, you sad because your baby died?"
Me: "Yeah, bud."
Wyatt: "Where is your baby?"
Me: "In heaven with Jesus."
Wyatt: "We get you a new baby."
Me: "Oh yeah? how?"
Wyatt: "We get some tape, and a band-aid (pretending to put a band-aid on my belly) and we get you a new one."
Me: "Where will we get a new baby?"
Wyatt: "From Gramma's belly."

Jenna: "Miss Katie, I know why your baby died."
Me: "Why, Jenna?"
Jenna: "Because Jesus needed more babies up there with him in heaven."

"Auntie Katie, I get you another baby from the hospital." - Wyatt

What's in store?

As I was driving the other morning, I sat at a red light and watched as nearly a dozen brown UPS trucks turned onto the road in front me, no double filing out together having just been filled with the day's deliveries. The entourage in front of me made me smile as I imagined them all standing in a circle before boarding their door-less trucks preparing to make a lot of people's lives a little fuller on that morning. My light turned green and as I followed behind, I watched them, one by one, turn off onto various roads and neighborhoods. I kept thinking about the people these men in brown would encounter on that day - some expecting a delivery, and some surprised by what was inside each box or envelope. It also occurred to me some people may have gotten some bad news with those packages.

I wondered if the men and women delivering these packages ever contemplated the power they held in their hands to change the direction of someone's day or life.

Eleven days ago, I received a different kid of delivery. And although news that I would never get to hold my second baby on this earth wasn't something I initially embraced as a blessing, I do know that the pain I felt and am still dealing with at this minute will eventually come with many blessings. It occurred to me that on any given day, God could load up His UPS truck and ring my doorbell (or knock on my hearts door) and change my circumstances dramatically.

In these times of pain and darkness that I am in today, when understanding is thin and questions are abundant, I can't help but think of the blessings God has in store for me. I can picture Him ready to pour out blessings on His children, excited when that day comes and He says, "today is the day my child will see those blessings!!"

As the last truck was out of site, I took a deep breath and smiled knowing that there are blessings in store for me and that God is SO excited to reveal them in His time. And, I know it will be better than anything I could have ordered!

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed...But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."

- Romans 8:18-19, 24-25

where would I be...

If I were still pregnant...

...I'd probably be proudly flaunting a growing bump.
...I would no doubt still be complaining about nausea and exhaustion.
...I would be eating guilt free over the holidays.
...I'd have picked paint colors for the nursery.
...Matt and I would have added a name to our family list.
...My fall "non-pregnant" clothes would be packed away, replaced by
elastic waistlines and long, loose-fitting shirts.
...I'd be registering at Baby's-R-Us for my upcoming showers.
...I'd test Matt's diaper-changing skills.
...I would take guilt-free naps.
...I'd (shamefully) be missing my Mt. Dew.
...I'd probably be acting pretty self-centered with the excuse, "blame
the hormones."
...I'd probably be annoying you (my three blog readers) with details of
every kick and wiggle in my belly.


Without Christ...

...I'd be on my way to hell and eternal suffering.
...I probably wouldn't be married to my best friend. Maybe
even divorced.
...my pain would be followed with more emptiness.
...I would live in guilt with no escape.
...I may be in jail.
...I could be dead.
...I would fail to forgive and probably lead a bitter life.
...I would probably be an alcoholic or drug addict.
...I wouldn't understand love.
...I would never embrace the gifts of grace and mercy.
...I would have no hope.

I'll take hope and salvation any day.

Thankful to be right here.

It's not my battle...

I started writing two posts this morning...mostly complaining and talking about my view of this situation as cruelty and how it all seems a little unfair. I never finished them because pushing "publish post" would only show my defeat and failure and would chalk up a victory for the devil. Then Matt, who I realize more and more each day is hurting just as much, shared this podcast with me by Perry Noble. He listened to it during his very teary run this morning...and I'm glad I listened, too.

I was hit hard at about the 25:00 minute mark...it's like it was addressed from God, "To Katie."

It's saturday. You have the time to listen. I needed, and I'm sure others do too. Even if life is good for you and pain is so distant, listen anyway.

Publish post. Victory chalked up to Christ.

To my baby,

I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

-Angie Smith

Therefore, I have hope...

On my way to my ultrasound this morning, my heart was heavy with the thought of my first lost baby. It was so overwhelming. Thinking back to March, remembering the pain of that loss. I was moved to tears knowing he's in heaven worshiping our sovereign God enjoying the only life he's known. And my heart was glad. I pictured him looking down on his mom, as I anticipated new pictures of the newest addition to our family.

What I didn't picture is my second baby, being welcomed by his older sibling to their heavenly home. Which is exactly what was happening.

Although the grip of my hands on the thought of this second baby was not tightly clenched, I found myself just wanting to reach and squeeze those thoughts the moments before I learned of my sweet baby, baby number two, joining his Heavenly Father for a glorious life.

I've done this all before...much too recently. Made the painful phonecalls, cancelled meetings, scheduled procedures and follow-up appointments...even posted to my blog. But these feelings are a bit different. Sad, grieving our loss. Confused, by the peace I had with this pregnancy and the ultimate results. Angry, for being so sick again for weeks, and to ultimately have no baby to make it all worth it. Disappointed, about the process that will take place in the coming months as we seek to know God's plan for growing a family. Defeated by how daunting this whole process is while entertaining the thought that it could very well happen again.

So I am clenching tightly to something else...securing my grip on something that has and always will have me in the center of Grace and perfect and unending Love.

I have to.

Coveting your prayers today.

"My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is;
so I say, "My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the LORD."...

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

"The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."

Lamentations 3:17-24

Good daddy...

Watching Matt with our nephew, Braden, confirmed once again what a great daddy he will be...

I like to kick the devils butt...

I have been feeling pretty bad that I've been neglecting my blog (again). It's not because my life is uneventful or I'm not learning anything, or that I'm too busy to keep my readers (the 3 of you) deprived of the life of Katie. But now is a good time to write...

I just boiled some water to make some soup and while I was waiting I opened my email. My water is still boiling (or maybe gone) because I just had to come and share. My sister Laura sent me this link to the same song I blogged about not too long ago. She was visiting me yesterday and we had some praise and worship in her car as we went about our day...mostly Hillsong worship. We talked about The Desert Song and how much I loved it. So when she saw this video, she sent it to me. Now that I've wiped away my tears and stopped by boo-hooing, I wanted to share it with you.

I especially love what Jill's friend said about her singing and glorifying God in the midst of her tragedy that "the devil lost what he was trying to do".



The devil is defeated with each shout or whisper of praise I offer to Heaven out of the pains of my circumstances. And the most encouraging thing is, when I can't sing my praise, when pain and doubt have gotten the best of me, even when the devil is still at work, trying to defeat my spirit, GOD IS STILL ON HIS THRONE.

I am going to go make my soup now, and sing praise while I do it!

OCNJ '09

This past week, Matt and I vacationed for a week in Ocean City NJ with his family. I was the (willing) designated photographer and I made this slideshow featuring some of the best photos and events of the week. Enjoy!

EDITED: Apparently you can't use a downloaded song in a video to post on facebook or youtube. I will try and post another video so that the sound will work soon.

filled to be emptied again...

no eye has seen...

Beth Moore hit a homerun with this poem she wrote. My friend Heather shared it with me at a time recently I was wrestling with questions and frustration with my inability to understand God's plan for my life...no matter how perfect it is.

I hope you enjoy it too!

The Life I Planned
by Beth Moore


Has someone seen the life I planned?
It seems it's been misplaced
I've looked in every corner
It's lost without a trace
I've found one I don't recognize
Things missing that were dear
Promises I'd hope to keep
And dreams I'd dreamed aren't here
Faces I had planned to see
Hands I planned to hold
Now absent in the pictures
Not the way I told
Has someone seen the life I planned?
Did it get thrown away?
God took my hand from searching
Then I heard him say,

"Child, your ears have never heard
Your eyes have never seen
Eternal plans I have for you
Are more than you could dream.
"You long to walk by sight
But I'm teaching eyes to see.
I know what I am doing
'Til then, you must believe."
He's done so much, I felt ashamed
To know He heard my moans
To think I'd trade in all He's done
For plans made on my own.
I wept over His faithfulness
And how He'd proved Himself
How He'd gone beyond my dreams
And said to Him myself,

"No, my ears have never heard
My eyes have never seen
Eternal plans you have for me
Are more than I could dream.
"Yes, I long to walk by sight
But You're teaching eyes to see
You know what You are doing
'Til then, I must believe."
I felt His great compassion
Mercy unrestrained
He let me mourn my losses
And showed me to my gains.
I offered Him my future
And released to Him my past
I traded in my dreams
For a plan He said would last.
I get no glimpse ahead
No certainties at all
Except the presence of the One
Who will not let me fall.
Are you also searching
For a life you planned yourself?
Have you looked in every corner?
Have you checked on every shelf?

Child, your ears have never heard
Your eyes have never seen
Eternal plans He has for you
Are more than you could dream.
Perhaps you long to walk by faith
But He's teaching eyes to see
He knows what He is doing
Child, step out and believe.

Welcome, Leah

I am proud to present to my readers (all three of you) my beautiful new niece, Leah Shay Morris. Born May 5, 2009 at 8:18pm at 8lbs 10ozs, 21 inches long. I think I kissed her sweet cheeks about a hundred and seven times.

waiting...

This morning, I am sitting with my nephew, Wyatt - an almost-big brother of a baby sister to be named shortly - waiting for her to make her appearance to this world. Wyatt doesn't know what's about to hit him...and he's perfectly content to watch TV, naive to how this baby will rock his world. But for now, he's happy with the cartoon on the television, the Lightning McQueen car in his hand, and the knowledge that Aunt Katie will take him to the store later, if he's good, to buy him "mine owns beans" (Jelly-Bellys).

I have a lot to learn from this two-and-a-half year old...

To be content in a moment, not needing answers to his uncertainty.
To trust that he'll be provided for simply because he knows nothing other than provision for the day.
To find happiness in the smallest things, not (always) dwelling on what he doesn't have.

As we wait for baby Lucky's arrival (as Wyatt has lovingly nick-named her), I can reflect on the blessings we've been promised...and that sometimes it just takes a little waiting to receive those blessings.

Just like planting seeds in the spring, and having them slowly grow into beautiful flowers (like my ranunculus above), the blessing comes in the waiting.....

gift from mom

Awhile back my mom asked me if I was going to do anything to remember the baby - a sort of symbol of God's grace and provision. Yesterday, she gave me that gift. I already wear a silver disk with my initials and anniversary date on it and mom's gift is a perfect addition to the other significant day in my life...

unredeemed...

Even at the highest points, standing on my tip-toes to see the Light of Glory on the horizon, I still feel the cold and emptiness of this darkness. It creeps in so quickly and stings my heart, triggering the tears. I can rarely stop it.

When I feel like I'm being restored in one part of my heart, I feel another part of me crumble. I found these lyrics online tonight that remind to there is more to my story. There is a glorious hope existing at this moment ready to be found...I hope everyone can see it...

Life breaks and falls apart, But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, They may be unrestored

But when anything that’s shattered

Is laid before the Lord

Just watch and see

It will not be

Unredeemed

- Selah

To look on Him and pardon me...

It was the first thing I thought of this morning. Christ died. Someone's Son died. We gasp at those words today from the horror of such difficult loss for earthly families. And I think Good Friday passes most people by without them stopping to ponder that event. It's just another day off of work, right? I feel like I'm being pushed back to the very basics of the gospel this year. Christ died. And on top of it all, He was God's only Son. And He died for me. I'll remember this Good Friday with a different perspective...

Three weeks ago, my child died. This baby was my only child. My first. And although my baby didn't die for someone else, and his death won't mean eternal life for someone else, the loss of Good Friday weighs deeper on my heart than most others before. My baby was unborn, having never heard a heartbeat, or laid eyes on it's growing arms and legs. I don't even know if it was a boy or a girl. Christ, God's son, had a beating heart, and He grew for 33 years! I'm sure God looked at the life of Jesus and was so proud of his Son.

And He sent Him to die. I think I've always just looked at Good Friday and Easter Sunday as the great sacrifice that this man, Jesus Christ, made for all humanity....all sinful humanity. But today I am also reflecting on the Sovereign Father who allowed His Son to die for me.

God experienced loss that day...but with the hope and knowledge that He had a greater plan for His Son's life and death...and resurrection. I am understanding and seeing that hope of the loss of my child. I know that there is a bigger purpose in his death...

I don't pretend to equate my loss with the loss that God experienced on that Good Friday. But I understand it in a new way today. Today I'm reminded that the act of unconditional love and sacrifice made on that cross so long ago brings redemption to any sin and any loss. Because of that sacrifice, my sweet child is in Heaven. And because of that sacrifice, I will rise to Heaven to meet the baby I never held.

And I will never deserve that...

Hosanna...

...Save us Lord!

My pastor shared with us from Daniel yesterday in our Palm Sunday Worship service. And (oh my) what perspective I have gained! I was so blessed to hear these stories again, that I've heard many times before, with a new set of ears. Curtis spoke of the fiery furnaces and pits of lions we find ourselves in throughout our lives that we call on God to save us from. And this is the phrase that is soaking into my heart today...

"We are not always rescued from the difficulties in life, but are rescued in the difficult times."

Prior to March 24th, I would never have asked to be taken through the darkness and pain that I faced. My stubborn spirit and human frailty would never allow me to willingly raise my hand and volunteer for a fiery furnace or a pit of lions...or a miscarriage. But I found myself in my own pit - and desperately seeking God in the situation to save me.

And He did.

Even though this wasn't my choice, I can say confidently that I'm thankful for that pit. I'm thankful that this struggle and loss allowed me to feel the grip of a merciful and sovereign God guiding me in His holy direction. What a blessing. I am being saved in this struggle. I do still long for my baby. And I long for a pregnant belly to show proudly. And, in spite of my new perspective, I still find myself questioning and yearning for answers. But I know I am not pregnant right now for countless righteous reasons. And I can finally say that I wouldn't want it any other way.

Palm Sunday represents the start of the most significant week in history. I learned yesterday that the word Hosanna means "save us now".

"...And the multitudes that went before him,
and that followed, cried, saying,
Hosanna to the son of David: Blessed is he that cometh in
the name of the Lord; Hosanna in the highest."
Matt. 21:9

I have no palms to wave but I do have this prayer on my lips...Hosanna! Save us Lord!

And He has.

...every morning.

I don't remember who texted the phrase to me last night "his mercies are new every morning" but I remember I felt encouraged to lay my confused head on my pillow knowing there was promise for this morning.

But it hurts this morning.

The mornings are the hardest for me. I work from home...alone. My house feels empty. Still and quiet. And every morning I am consumed by a heart burdened for answers and comfort. The visitors, the emails, the facebook messages, the blog comments and the texts have lessened since last week. And I'm faced with the reality that life goes on...even when my emotions are standing still.

This morning I muted the television, closed my email and listened to God...and learned a lot about the Holy Spirit. I found that I run to people, to articles, to songs to ease my pain. Although those are all God-given gifts used by the Spirit, I think they often blind me to the always present Spirit when all of those things are absent.

I realized as I'm preparing for my day that I often become weighed down by the thoughts of what I might face and how different today looks because I am no longer pregnant and expecting a child in October. I see so often the devil peering into my mind and using those fears and anxiety to shift my focus from truth to doubt.

And this is truth: God has gone before me in this day to prepare my heart for what each moment will bring. He's using the silence to whisper to me His promises of grace for each moment. He knows what I have to face today and has prepared reminders for me of his never ending love for me. Even when I doubt it every morning and start my day with frustration and sadness, He gives me mercy - sparing me from the separation I do deserve - and walks with me through my day.

It is a choice to listen to God and answer His call to be still and to run to Him alone for Truth. And I don't always choose it simply because it's easier to believe the lies and let my thoughts consume me of hopelessness and sadness.

Today, however, I choose to listen. The mornings I dread are turning to mornings of sweet conversation with my Lord. These are the words I'm meditating on this morning...

"In the quiet, in the stillness, I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence, I know there I am restored

When You call I won’t refuse, Each new day again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion, I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness, You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won’t delay. This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore"

None But Jesus, by Hillsong

kumquats and healing

When I was pregnant, I signed up to receive weekly email updates informing me of the new developments of my growing baby. It was a way to encourage me through another week of the overwhelming nausea I experienced up until last week. Yesterday, I received my 10 week update...

I took a deep breath, read that my baby would be the size of a kumquat and was growing fingernails. Then I promptly unsubscribed from the emails.

I knew that experiences like this will be a common part of my journey in the next weeks and months to come. There are pregnancy remnants throughout my house - ginger drops and anti-nausea medicine on my dresser, a "week by week" journal to give accounts of my pregnancy, half-finished pregnancy announcements ready to be sent to friends and family, a room emptied of the office furniture ready to be prepped for a shade of pink or blue, and a baby puzzle purchased during our vacation in Mexico just a week after we learned of our growing baby.

When my emotions were so raw last week, and although still tender now, I didn't accept seeing these reminders with grace and peace. I thought of these remnants as cruel reminders of the gift that was taken from me.

It's my goal to begin to soak up these moments as sweet reminders of God's promise for my good. A promise of another child. A promise of healing. A promise my little kumquat is living in heaven for His glory.

singing praise with a lump in my throat...

I am thankful for God's mercy when His children resist and struggle so much to the point of doubt and despair. I know I felt that despair last night with unanswered questions and a pain and hollowness that seemed to take over my body. I can just picture God watching me struggle and weep and I do believe he wept with me. He knew, however, that His promise would reveal itself to me today and that I needed to lean into that pain just a little bit longer in order to feel the heights He's prepared to lift my spirit in the days to come.

I was seeking truth and encouragement this morning and came across a passage written by Paul that I had read before. With my new life experiences from the last week, I read the words "life" and "death" with a new filter in my view. I could copy this whole passage for you to read but I trust you'll go and mediate on them yourself. I wanted to share the words that made me breath deep the glory given to Christ with the passing of our sweet child.

"Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death." (Phil. 1:18b-20)

Paul sat locked in a prison, suffering for Christ's sake and after he had been beaten and flogged, he did what? He sang hymns and prayed. He praised the Lord! If I close my eyes and imagine hearing Paul singing, I don't assume his voice bellowed and rang throughout all the walls with a commanding noise. He was weak and beaten and I can imagine his voice was shaky and quiet.

I still have a hard time speaking about the last few days without crying. My voice shakes when I have to say the words "I lost my baby" to the uninformed nurse on the phone calling to schedule my next ultrasound. Even when I feel joyful and encouraged, my voice is weak. My friend shared these words with me encouraged me to praise Him...even with a lump in my throat.

"When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah"

patience...

With the events of the last few days unfolding so quickly before my eyes, it's hard to believe that all I seek now is patience. My child slipped away...a baby I waited patiently for, who was gone before I could even see it's beating heart.

I had to write simply because I am filling up inside with emotion that makes no sense to me. One moment calm and understanding. The next, I'm filled with anxiety and anger. And the very next, sadness and loss.

I'm having to wait patiently for something I would never have asked for - for my baby to leave my body. It's a cruel but necessary step in my healing. After a surgical procedure yesterday, my doctor, with the help of others, attempted unsuccessfully to "extract" my baby from my body. Something she was very confused by.

And now I'm here waiting...

I can't begin to explain the frustration that goes along with hoping your dead baby would just leave your body. Although the support and prayers and outpouring of love I've received from friends, family and complete strangers has helped tremendously in this grieving process, I find myself at a standstill. My emotional healing is being postponed by my physical body and I have no control over that.

God is trying to teach me things about Himself and His perfect plan....and I'm trying to learn them. I know them to be true. It's hard to see those things through this darkness. And if I didn't share with you my frustration, these would not be honest words.

So, you know what to pray for tonight. And I'm grateful for prayer warriors that kneel for me when I need it the most.

Heaven is all you'll ever know...

Today is just surreal. Slept very little last night. I think as the pain and loss intensifies, I cannot fathom how many families have dealt with this...maybe even more than once. I remembered a song I heard many years ago while I was lying awake last night and when I played it this morning, I was so overwhelmed by promise after promise in every word of this song.

Tears flow freely in this house today. The loss is revealing things about this child's life without me, it's mother, that can't compare to the life that child has in heaven at this moment.

Nothing is more comforting. Miss you everyday.

"I can't imagine heaven's lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know...all you'll ever know..."

Glory Baby - Watermark

Future Glory...

The previous post has been deleted simply because there is a new plan on the horizon. A different sort of pregnancy test...

The baby I was growing for the last 9 weeks was adopted into the Kingdom of Heaven sooner than our feeble minds could conceive. As I think about the vacant womb I saw on the ultrasound monitor, I also think about that new life with our Father in Heaven. God blessed us with a baby, and has swiftly taken that life to be with Him until He can hand our child to us when we meet in heaven. A sweet moment to anticipate...

I am so encouraged by the passage in Romans 8 and the truth that every word brings to my heart. I will share it with you now so that those reading and watching us walk through this struggle...or those of you who may be dealing with the same pain...can understand my heart.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God...In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

I hope you, along with Matt and I, learn the mind of the Spirit and plan of my Heavenly Father through this struggle. Although this is not the news I wish to be sharing with all of you, but I know this news is the BEST news since it is the will of God for my family.

Thank you for your prayers.

Katie & Matt

some of my favorite pictures...

...from various random events.

orange you just the cutest thing...

What's cuter than a 2 year old with peanut butter and jelly all over his face, peeling his own clementine, and making a cheese face?